The non-negotiable trait to look for in a mentor

Your ideal mentor doesn’t necessarily need to share your values, nor do they need to have achieved everything you hope to. They do however, need to have the self-awareness to be able to distinguish that they are not you.

The mentors you adopt throughout your life will likely make a significant impression on you and shape pivotal decisions in your personal and professional life. Whilst your mentor’s experience and success to date are valuable, if they’re unable to view the world through your eyes - coloured by your values, hopes and aspirations, they’re not a good fit and may do more harm than good.

If you’ve ever left a conversation with someone you’d hoped would offer advice, support and enthusiasm feeling flat, perhaps even hurt, disappointed or silly - you’ve encountered a crappy mentor. These people come in all shapes and sizes - it may have been a friend, family member, colleague or professional advisor. Whilst they may have the best intentions, if you’re not walking away feeling optimistic and energised, it’s likely that this person has offered guidance that reflects their values and aspirations, and even worse, their fears, perceived limitations and cynicism based on their past experience.

Your ideal mentor doesn’t necessarily need to share your values, nor do they need to have achieved everything you hope to. They do however, need to have the self-awareness to be able to distinguish that they are not you. Subsequently, rather than putting their ‘stuff’ on you, they hold a mirror up for you - reflecting and amplifying your preferences, values, strengths and aspirations. It’s within this dynamic that they can then unpack challenges with you, problem solve and cheer you on. 

A mentor's experience, education and wisdom comes into play within a balance that I like to call push and protect. It’s essentially supporting you with opportunity vs risk management - how can they push you to achieve what you want, while employing their life experience to help protect and prepare you for the inevitable bumps in the road. That is, after all, the purpose of a mentor - to help you get where you want to be, with less friction on the journey. 

So, what are the green lights to look for in a mentor?

1. They listen more than they speak.

   It may seem counterintuitive but a great mentor will listen attentively to understand your perspective fully and ask meaningful questions that enable you to understand and explore your own emotions, motivations, behaviours, obstacles etc. They’re essentially facilitating a conversation with your best self.

   
   

2. They will ask you what your values are.

   Not only will they ask you questions, but before anything else, they will seek to understand your ultimate values and drivers. It’s incredible how often people give appalling advice or input because they actually have no idea what’s important to the person on the receiving end.

   
   

3. They’re noticeably kind, patient and empathetic.

   A great mentor will acknowledge and respect your feelings and experiences. They’ll make you feel safe in being vulnerable and unfiltered, and they’ll move with you at your pace.

   
   

4. They’re confident and open-minded.

   A great mentor should be optimistic and flexible in their thinking - refraining from imposing their own biases or limitations on your journey. They’re also dynamic and allow you to change - change your mind, change your plans… We’re all constantly learning and evolving and they allow you to, free of judgement.

   
   

5. Their interested in every facet of you.

   It is crazy to attempt to put your life in silos. Your job, your finances, your food choices, your relationship, your sleep, your travel plans, your friendships, your workouts (so the list goes on) are all interconnected. Any mentor that’s focused on only one area of your life, doesn’t get it.